it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
