Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
