I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
His hands were made for my vagina.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
