So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
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