God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
