i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
