Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
