by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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