I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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