i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Randomize
