The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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