girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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