There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
