It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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