i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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