i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
