just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
