Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
