Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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