Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
