i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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