remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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