pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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