He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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