It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
two words...techno handjob
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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