We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
