Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
