I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
If I die, sorry about rent.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
