you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
