Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
