I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
You have to summon your inner elephant
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
