Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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