I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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