eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The struggles of a small town man whore
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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