The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
It's shark week go big or go home
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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