I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
We left the knife in your bed.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Randomize
