I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
