You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
