Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
