just tell him i said nine months
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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