Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
