if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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