Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
