Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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