i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
