Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
