I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
there is glitter all over my balls
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
