Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
