I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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