it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
