I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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