I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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