you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
